Encrtia's Joke Forum :D:D:D

[Encrtia]

Absent-Mindedness

Three elderly women were discussing the problems of growing old. One said,
"Sometimes I find myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise and I can't remember if I am putting it away or making a sandwich." Another said,
"And I can trip on the stairs and not remember if I was walking up or down."
"Oh well, I don't have those sort of problems, touch wood," said the third, tapping her knuckles on the table, before adding, "Oh, that must be the door - I'll get it."


:D :p :cool:a

[Encrtia]

And because I did just arrive... hehe :

A man was out walking when he fell over the edge of a cliff. As he hurtled towards the ground, he just managed to hang on to a protruding tree branch. Staring down a 200-foot drop to almost certain death, he cried out,
"Help me, please! Is anybody up there?"
A deep voice came back, "Yes my son, I am up here."
"Who is that?" called the man.
"It is The Lord."
"Can you help me!??!" the man frantically cried back.
"Certainly my son. just let go of the branch, and I shall catch you."
The man thought for a moment, then shouted, "Is anybody else up there!??!"

:eek::D

[Encrtia]

An army platoon became detatched in the desert during the Gulf War. For three days and nights, they waited for help until all their food supplies were exhausted. Finally, in desperation, they sent ou a soldier to explore the wilderness and to report back as the whether there was any hope of food. The next day, the soldier returned.
"There's bad news, and good news", he told the starving troops...
"The bad news is, there is only camel dung to eat... The good news is, there's plenty of it."

:mad::p:(

[Jack Hammersmith]

:D:D:D
I like this thread.
Keep them coming.

[Guywithawrench]

he should be appoited TG-Comedian

[Encrtia]

Going for the quickies :P

Patient: "My wife thinks I'm crazy beacuse I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense, I like sausages too."
Patient: "Great - you should come and see my collections! I've got absolutely hundreds!"

:confused::D

Rodney Dangerfield Quote : I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said that's ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Steven Wright Quote: Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

:p:D:rolleyes:

And Guywithawrench - he should be appoited TG-Comedian If I can be someone more that Junior MEmber, I'm in :D:D:D lol

[Encrtia]

A minister recongnized the young man standing at the back of the chuch one Sunday as someone whose wedding ceremony he had conducted a few months back earlier. After the service, the young man was waiting to talk to the minister.
"Tell me Reverened, do you believe that someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"
"Certainly not!", said the minister.
"In which case, can I have back the £50 I paid you for the wedding?"

:rolleyes::p

[BGerstle]

A man is buying tickets to get on a train to Pittsburgh when he goes up to the counter and sees the clerk is a woman with beautiful breasts. He asks her,
"Can I please have one ticket to Tits-burgh?" and she glares at him nastily.
"Oh my, I'm so sorry, I mean Pittsburgh." he says, while the lady rudely shoves the tickets at him. Later, the man goes to have dinner with a few of his friends and he says "The most embarrassing thing happened today..." After he tells them the story one of his friends knowingly says,
"Ah ha! I know what that is, it's called a Freudian slip. It happened to me earlier today. Instead of asking my wife to 'pass the butter,' I said: 'you ruined my life you f***ing bitch!"

[Encrtia]

hahahahahaha Genius BGerstle :P

The following is a true story, as seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish
T.V. Channel;

The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for a Surprise Game Show - she idolised Teen-Age Pop Star "Ricky Martin", and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girls bedroom - all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise. However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate - at this stage the ive TV audience is wondering "what the hell is going on - She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch).
As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles down to his favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed".

At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast,
leaving a very embarassed set of parents in front of a live studio
audience!!

Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.

:eek::eek::rolleyes:

[Guywithawrench]

HAHAHAHAHAHA that is the most f*cked up thing i have ever read :D keep coming this is great.

[Encrtia]

Trust me when I say this is true... The questions were compiled by some of my mates and I, so, if ya got one, I'm sure it'll add to the list lol :D

Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum-Weber, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
(in reverse order).

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum."

9. "So I peered into the tube." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun).

8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem), being shot out of the guy's arse like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, But I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomising me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc., it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube......"

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of haemorrhoids a welcome relief ? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons ?

:eek::rolleyes::D

[Encrtia]

A man is dining in a fancy resaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place."
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for an intimate night-cap... and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "You just so happened to catch my eye."

:(:):D

[Guywithawrench]

lol....
Why is the forum only appearing in German for me?

[Encrtia]

lol....
Why is the forum only appearing in German for me?


HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHA THAT'S THE FUNNIEST JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD HAHAHAHA ----- :P... I have exactly the same problem, for some reason it's all in German. I can only presume something is being editing, and it is temporarily shut down. :P

[Encrtia]

Btw, the translation is back to English for me again, yay :D

A man died and went up to heaven when he was greeted by St. Peter.
"And who are you?" asked St. Peter.
"My name is Steven Richards."
"And what did you do for a living?" asked St. Peter.
"I was unemployed."
"Unemployed, hmmm?" mused St. Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"
"As a ,atter of fact, I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a gang of bikers who were threatening to bbeat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off by his hair, kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."
"That's higly commendable," said St. Peter flicking though the man's file, "but I can't see any report of this incident. When did it happen?"
"About five minutes ago..."

:eek::confused::mad:

[Jack Hammersmith]

Jup jup, the last update has broken the language pack.
Everything fixed now, only the Spammers who registered since then are a bit disturbing. But Im banning the hell out of them. :D
Nice jokes btw.

[Encrtia]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the company boss asked one of his young employees.
"Yes, sir."
"That's good, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she called in to see you..."

:p:D:D

[Encrtia]

I must apologize for the maga-long update- I've been really tied up with the packing for my holiday this Friday for 2 weeks, so, I've been a bit late, but no worries, I have one joke here, and hopefully one for everyday 'til Friday ;P

But without further Ado ::: WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is blonde.

:eek::mad::p

And, btw, if ya can be bothered, I uploaded a video of me in the past, and it's a comical effect, so if you have 5 minutes, head on over here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTAdnGerFUk) on youtube, and enjoy. :D

[Encrtia]

The gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it was always occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was taking short steps and had a look of pain on his face.
"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letter: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was spreayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling. Men's restrooms don't have things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large power puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The Ladies' restroom is more than a restroom. It is a place of tender loving pleasure! When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he could hardly wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would bring him supreme ecstasy...

***

He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened !?!?" He exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons!" replied the nuse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow..."

:confused::eek::o

[Encrtia]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time, and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice??"

The womans replies, "He's a midget...."

:confused::p;)

[Encrtia]

An award should go to the Viring Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, and angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticked down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS." The attendent replied,
"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO THE HELL I AM????"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have you attention please, may I have yor attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in the line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

:D:p:cool:

[Encrtia]

Since tomorrow I'm going away for 2 weeks, I thought I'd get this rather funny, yet completely true phonecall, beacause well, I owe it to yo without the consistent Jokes recently. So, I'm out for 2 weeks, + 3 days or so. Who knows, maybe someone will take over until I return...?;) But without further ado, I bring you, one of my present favourites. :D

Caller: Yes it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??
Caller: No.
Operator: Well, there you are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Caller: Ok, here is is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can't reach.
Operator: Uh huh.... Well, can you see if it is??
Caller: No.
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??
Caller: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's beacuse it's dark.
Operator: Dark... DARK?!?
Caller: Yes... The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window.
Operator: Well, go and turn the office light on then.
Caller: I can't.
Operator: No? Why not??
Caller: Beacuse there's a power failure.
Operator: A power............................................. .......... A power failure...? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals packing stuff our computer came in??
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when yo got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really, is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??
Operator: Tell them, you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer!!!!

:cool::cool::cool:

[Encrtia]

:cool:Three guys went for a job interview. The personnel officer conducting the interviews had no ears. He told the first candidate,
"This job calls for observations, so I want you tomake an observation about me."
The first guy said: "You've got no ears."
The personnel officer was furious and threw him out.
The second guy entered and was also invited to make an observation.
"You've got no ears," he said.
The personnel officer went crazy and threw him out.
Then the third guy came in, and he too was asked to make an observation.
"You were contact leneses," he said.
"Wow!" said the personnel officer. "That's amazing. How did you know?"
"Because you've got no ears to hold up glasses."

:mad::p:cool:

[Encrtia]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. S he wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell y ou... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to sat isfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

:o:D:cool:

[Encrtia]

Three builders, upon a working site by a cliff, were munching on some lovely sandwichs at lunch...but it occured to them...peanut butter sandwichs??? I HATE THIS STUFF!!! Yet every day, their wives made them the same lunch... Consequently, one day came, and the first builder said to the others that if he had another peanut butter sandwich for lunch, he'd jump off the clif... and the other builders, just as annoyed, expressed the same feeling...
The next day came, and they opened their lunch... Low and behold... The first Builder explaimed...PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHS AGAIN!!!, then jumped off the cliff. The 2nd builder also had peanut butter sandwichs, so propelled himself off the cliff... And finally, the 3rd builder had peanut butter sandwichs, and dived off the cliff.
The next day followed, and the 3 wives were at the men's funeral... The 1st wife sobbed, "If only he told me that he didn't like peanut butter sandwichs, I'd have stopped making them..." The 2nd wife continued, "Me as well!!! He could've just told me..." The 3rd wife, exceptionally distrought in tears blurted, "I don't understand... Bill made his own sandwichs!!!"

:eek::p:mad:

[Encrtia]

Hi all; I've been slighly disuaded from joking around for quite some time, but getting back in touch with my humorous side is a breeze since I did have shitloads of jokes stored in my cranium, and many more typed up in an effort to keep them. For the moment, allow me to explain two jokes I've found quite funny :) ::::

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and huge gashs all over his body.

"Now" he says, whilst to keep from slurring, "Where's that blasted woman with the sore tooth?"

:eek::eek::rolleyes:




And since it's nearly April ::::

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mum says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mummy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MUMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mum answered, "I know - April Fools!"

:p




As a return, I though I'd say what's happening in my life at the moment. A few serious things propped up, but hey- life is life and who knows what it'll throw at you. And now, I'm living in my own apartment, shortly with my girlfriend moving in =) I'm very settled and stable now, and at the end of the year, carry on with education by going to university and carrying on from where I left of a several months ago. :cool:

~Enc. xD

[Encrtia]

Australia. There's a young handsome Australian, sitting in an Australian bar. All is calm, all is well. He's sitting down at a table, whilst feasting upon his lovely meal consisting of Coffee and an oranga marmalade sandwich.

Then the American came in. (Probably from New York)

He came in, and decided of all the places to sit, to be next to the Australian on his small table.
The Australian didn't seem to mind, and the American didn't really care as he ferociously chewed his gum.

The American, after loudly ordering the waitress to serve him, drew his attention towards the Australian.

"Eh, you? - What d'ya do when ya finish with ya bread crusts?"

"We through them away, of course", the Australian said humbly.

"We don't; what we do, is we get all the crusts, put 'em in boxes, recycle them, and send them off to Austalia as Bread" he says whilst chewing intolerably.
The Australian agreed, whilst applying more marmalade to his sadwich.

"Ey, 'ow about your oranges and fruits? What cha do with them when ya finished?"
Again, the Australian replied humbly;

"We through them away of course."

"We don't", he said with a mighty grin, "We put 'em in boxes, recycle 'em, then send them to Australia and sell 'em as marmalade"

The Australian looked up from his meal, and then asked,

"What do you do when you finish with your condoms?"

"We through 'em away of course!" he laughed whilst chewing his gum harder.
The Australian was now staring directly into the American, with a keen smile.

"We don't... we put them in boxes, recycle them, and sell them to America as Chewing Gum... why do you think they're called 'Wrigley's?'"

:(