Encrtia's Joke Forum :D:D:D

[Encrtia]

An award should go to the Viring Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, and angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticked down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS." The attendent replied,
"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO THE HELL I AM????"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have you attention please, may I have yor attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in the line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[Encrtia]

Since tomorrow I'm going away for 2 weeks, I thought I'd get this rather funny, yet completely true phonecall, beacause well, I owe it to yo without the consistent Jokes recently. So, I'm out for 2 weeks, + 3 days or so. Who knows, maybe someone will take over until I return...? But without further ado, I bring you, one of my present favourites.

Caller: Yes it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??
Caller: No.
Operator: Well, there you are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Caller: Ok, here is is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can't reach.
Operator: Uh huh.... Well, can you see if it is??
Caller: No.
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??
Caller: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's beacuse it's dark.
Operator: Dark... DARK?!?
Caller: Yes... The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window.
Operator: Well, go and turn the office light on then.
Caller: I can't.
Operator: No? Why not??
Caller: Beacuse there's a power failure.
Operator: A power............................................. .......... A power failure...? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals packing stuff our computer came in??
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when yo got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really, is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??
Operator: Tell them, you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer!!!!

[Encrtia]

Three guys went for a job interview. The personnel officer conducting the interviews had no ears. He told the first candidate,
"This job calls for observations, so I want you tomake an observation about me."
The first guy said: "You've got no ears."
The personnel officer was furious and threw him out.
The second guy entered and was also invited to make an observation.
"You've got no ears," he said.
The personnel officer went crazy and threw him out.
Then the third guy came in, and he too was asked to make an observation.
"You were contact leneses," he said.
"Wow!" said the personnel officer. "That's amazing. How did you know?"
"Because you've got no ears to hold up glasses."

[Encrtia]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. S he wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell y ou... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to sat isfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Encrtia]

Three builders, upon a working site by a cliff, were munching on some lovely sandwichs at lunch...but it occured to them...peanut butter sandwichs??? I HATE THIS STUFF!!! Yet every day, their wives made them the same lunch... Consequently, one day came, and the first builder said to the others that if he had another peanut butter sandwich for lunch, he'd jump off the clif... and the other builders, just as annoyed, expressed the same feeling...
The next day came, and they opened their lunch... Low and behold... The first Builder explaimed...PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHS AGAIN!!!, then jumped off the cliff. The 2nd builder also had peanut butter sandwichs, so propelled himself off the cliff... And finally, the 3rd builder had peanut butter sandwichs, and dived off the cliff.
The next day followed, and the 3 wives were at the men's funeral... The 1st wife sobbed, "If only he told me that he didn't like peanut butter sandwichs, I'd have stopped making them..." The 2nd wife continued, "Me as well!!! He could've just told me..." The 3rd wife, exceptionally distrought in tears blurted, "I don't understand... Bill made his own sandwichs!!!"

[Encrtia]

Hi all; I've been slighly disuaded from joking around for quite some time, but getting back in touch with my humorous side is a breeze since I did have shitloads of jokes stored in my cranium, and many more typed up in an effort to keep them. For the moment, allow me to explain two jokes I've found quite funny ::::

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and huge gashs all over his body.

"Now" he says, whilst to keep from slurring, "Where's that blasted woman with the sore tooth?"






And since it's nearly April ::::

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mum says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mummy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MUMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mum answered, "I know - April Fools!"






As a return, I though I'd say what's happening in my life at the moment. A few serious things propped up, but hey- life is life and who knows what it'll throw at you. And now, I'm living in my own apartment, shortly with my girlfriend moving in =) I'm very settled and stable now, and at the end of the year, carry on with education by going to university and carrying on from where I left of a several months ago.

~Enc. xD

[Encrtia]

Australia. There's a young handsome Australian, sitting in an Australian bar. All is calm, all is well. He's sitting down at a table, whilst feasting upon his lovely meal consisting of Coffee and an oranga marmalade sandwich.

Then the American came in. (Probably from New York)

He came in, and decided of all the places to sit, to be next to the Australian on his small table.
The Australian didn't seem to mind, and the American didn't really care as he ferociously chewed his gum.

The American, after loudly ordering the waitress to serve him, drew his attention towards the Australian.

"Eh, you? - What d'ya do when ya finish with ya bread crusts?"

"We through them away, of course", the Australian said humbly.

"We don't; what we do, is we get all the crusts, put 'em in boxes, recycle them, and send them off to Austalia as Bread" he says whilst chewing intolerably.
The Australian agreed, whilst applying more marmalade to his sadwich.

"Ey, 'ow about your oranges and fruits? What cha do with them when ya finished?"
Again, the Australian replied humbly;

"We through them away of course."

"We don't", he said with a mighty grin, "We put 'em in boxes, recycle 'em, then send them to Australia and sell 'em as marmalade"

The Australian looked up from his meal, and then asked,

"What do you do when you finish with your condoms?"

"We through 'em away of course!" he laughed whilst chewing his gum harder.
The Australian was now staring directly into the American, with a keen smile.

"We don't... we put them in boxes, recycle them, and sell them to America as Chewing Gum... why do you think they're called 'Wrigley's?'"